Incredible Dating Advice

Posts

Would You Recognize An Unsafe Person If One Contacted You Online? Are You Sure?

Photos seem current and high quality enough. Check. Has a cute little dog in the profile photo. Check. Not flashy. Dressed casually. Seems relaxed. Check. Great smile. Check. Probably a safe person to talk to, right? Not in my experience unfortunately. The photos, despite being quality were over 5 years old. The cute little dog didn't belong to him. Despite the great smile, relaxed portrayal, here's what I discovered when I looked up my match in his county's public records search Domestic violence Restraining order Violated the restraining order Probation Disorderly conduct Filed a false charge of child abuse Don't skip the detective work! Do the reverse image search. If that doesn't work, ask your match for his name and ask where they've lived. Then go look them up in the county clerk of courts search. If the public records search comes up clean, that still may not be a good indicator this is a safe pers...

Will Expert Online Dating Tips Keep You Safe?

While scrolling through Pinterest I came across the article "Online Dating Tips for Women". I wondered if this dating expert's advice would have helped me in 2020. Would this advice have helped me spot an unsafe match quickly? The answer is no, not right away. The biggest safety tip missing from this (and most expert's advice) is the background check. I think the reason a lot of experts won't mention the background check may have something to do with the controversy about whether it's fair to judge people based on their legal history. I don't know about you, but I've learned I'm a zero percent match with a convicted domestic abuser. I'm still recommending the background check EVERY time. Most county's now offer a free public records background check through their county clerk of courts site. The best part is the public records search is FREE. All you normally need is a first and last name. Keep safe out there!

I Wrote A Strong On-Line Dating Profile. Why Didn't It Work?

I really thought I was bulletproof to unsafe men on dating sites in 2020. Because I had prepared myself by reading two dating safety books. One was Love Smart by Dr. Phil McGraw. The other was Steve Harvey's, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man . So I was feeling confident because then I wrote the strong profile. I established my boundaries. I talked about what the type of relationship I wanted to have. I was ready with Steve's suggested questions. I spelled out behaviors that were my deal-breakers. And still 3 unsafe men contacted me. What. The. HELL? The overall answer is unsafe people don't see themselves as unsafe. And as a good friend told me, "Some people laugh at personal boundaries. Oh, you have boundaries? Those are cute. But, I don't think so." Two of the men were obviously unsafe. They called me names and harassed me because I didn't want to engage in conversation. I solv...

Effective Communication, Not Constant Communication.

Constant communication is a trap. I learned this the hard way two years ago. I couldn't figure out how I managed to make myself a target for yet another unsafe person. And then it dawned on me. I communicated with him. I made myself available way too often and didn't set limits. Well, never again. Constant communication didn't give my brain a break to process all of the information the new person was telling me. Constant communication didn't give my brain a chance notice the red flags. Constant communication erased my boundaries that I set for safety. Constant communication gave the impression I wasn't really an independent woman who had a full life. There's better ways to communicate and it doesn't have to be constantly. If a person is truly safe, they'll respect your time limits, especially in the beginning.

My advice: Don't Let Them Choose You. You Choose Them.

2 years ago I wrote a strongly worded dating profile. I talked about my deal breakers. Insecurity was the biggest deal-breaker. Distance was the 2nd. More than one unsafe man didn't respect my wishes and contacted me anyway. With one man, I just went with it despite the fact the distance wasn't ideal. I told myself, "Well, maybe I'm asking for too much? Maybe I'm being unrealistic? Maybe this man wants a chance to prove himself!" And he would. He would prove how wonderful and charming he could be, SHORT TERM. I have since learned it's really important to do the choosing. When I think about my failed relationships, 100% of the time someone chose me. Having said all that, I know not all relationships where a person was "discovered" or "chosen" ended in shooting flames. I'm not that bitter that I can't acknowledge that. And good for those couples! But it doesn't work for me. And...

My First Impressions of Online Dating

I'll never forget the first impressions I got of online dating. I made a formal announcement about 9 years ago on my Facebook page that I was getting back out there. Something about "There's still hope and it's online dating!" O. The backlash. Friends and acquaintances had very negative impressions of it. Well, one lady had good reason to. She matched with a married man. But she had no idea he was married. He played pretend. Apparently if you take off your ring, rent an apartment and get a new girlfriend the marriage doesn't exist. O but it does! I'm not sure how she found out he was married. But she did. She never forgave the dating site for that trauma. And she warned me, "Don't do it." I know some dating sites ask people about their marital status. Last I knew, we're all on the honor system to tell the truth about marital status. For example, when I tried to sign up for e...